Hey, wow...well...this is awkward! It has been a long time.
I am reading a book right now and was inspired to write again. I have to be honest it has been awhile. The last blog I wrote was in February 2017. I was writing more frequently and found myself in a situation where I was perpurtrated by someone in the community who had read some of my sexual abuse blogs. Needless to say I was still learning how to connect to my intuition, was in my mid twenties and fell for the notion that someone outside of me had the answers...even if it was an older, shameman (spelling intentional) in my community that ended up crossing lines and boudaries with me...offering more healing and also shining light further into the wounds of humanity and the masculine...That is when I discovered spiritual sexual preditoring. Now it is 2020 and here I am...I AM BAAACCCKKKK!!! I think I am going to leave this post at that. Short and sweet. I have missed writing and letting it all flow out of me. And I am looking forward to sharing this human journey with you even deeper this time around.
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Why the Soul Style? Why fashion? Why do I believe fashion heals? And how do I utilize fashion as a healing modality??
These are all really great questions when it comes to identifying why I, Nicole McKay...am a Soul Stylist. In this writing I will reveal the real raw truth about how fashion saved my life and why I continue to come back to it as my source of joy and passion Playing dress up... It all started over a decade ago when I was about 13 years old. I had just outed to my family that I had memories of being apart of ritualistic incest. The memories were sparse but the body trauma was real. I recall sitting on my bed telling my mom about what I could see...as if my red Polaroid toy that clicked and revealed a new image was in my head. Click new image of abuse. Click new image. click... ...click. My memories were very much repressed and suppressed. Some of them still hidden in my sub-conscious mind for my safety. The images that I see (which is very popular for those who have experienced trauma) are short circuited and clips with missing data. How does fashion come into play...you may ask? Well... When I was younger going over to my grandparents house for family holidays, I felt like I was able to control how my abuser (grandfather) saw me based on what I wore (my fashion). I would obsess about what to wear prior to visits...making sure my newly developing feminine body was concealed and safe from his eyes. The anxiety that filled my body would be very high, as I tried on all the jeans in my dresser to pick out the least accentuating ones. The last thing I wanted to do was provoke...so I would pack three or so pairs in the car trunk just to be on the safe side. I remember feeling like my system had gained up on me. Like the actions of the men that sexually abused me forced me to re-think and question my motives and intentions. Now a young child forced to understand the realness of this adult world... This questioning caused me to develop severe OCD Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I had to prove to myself that no part of me wanted or enjoyed the abuse by washing, checking, washing, changing, washing, etc.. I had learned to distrust myself and my mind, I had to re-gain control in every way I knew how in order to erase the time others controlled me and I was powerless to their actions. As I type this at 28 years of age in a state of awaking and emerging into my healing journey in a way that feels so debilitating and foreign...I must only trust. My friendship with fashion saved my life. In a time where everything in my life seems unknown...I look back at the two things I was always gut clear, 100% certain about: 1. It was my mission to heal from the incest. I was not going to pretend the pain and effects weren't there. I had to heal this from a young age on wards so it didn't end up surfacing in my fifties causing me to be divorced, projecting this pain onto my kids (yes that is what I thought when I was a teenager). My soul purpose has to do with sexual abuse awareness and how to naturally navigate the healing journey that comes along with being a sexual abuse survivor. I wanted to save all the women in my group therapy sessions. 2. I was going to go to Ryerson University to study Fashion Communications. Fashion Heals... When I moved from my small town to Toronto, Ontario...not only was I immersed in a fashion culture so unfamiliar to that of small town country living...I was open to many..many sexual abuse healing support groups and OCD therapy sessions. I was able to experience ALL the city had to offer me...and I did just that. I attended university full time, attempted to resemble that of a normal emerging young adult AND signed up for ALL the support I could get to heal from my childhood trauma and the (at the time) very real and paralyzing effects of OCD. Soon I found myself questioning my choices regarding the study of fashion. My sensitive, empathetic soul (the one that saw the real capabilities and pain found in this world) couldn't come to peace with the history of fashion, sweat shop factories (the empowerment and abuse women faced just to make us greedy westerners clothes), and the way women engaged with each other in (and outside of) the industry. I felt like a black sheep. The decision to stay in school led me to pursing my out of school passion in the metaphysical healing world. I had sourced out many healing modalities that didn't result in pill popping and band-aiding the pain. Art Therapy Meditation Crystals Sound Therapy Energy Healing Talk Therapy and...the creative pursuit of retail therapy and second hand shopping. Healing became my main focus...and I wanted to so desperately feel what it was like to live a life without the shadow of sexual abuse ruling over me....So... I decided to 'travel' to British Columbia. This developed into the second chapter of my life. What I thought was going to be a joyous break from my 'previous life'...jump started me into something totally different than I imagined. I connected to the healing lands, Native American culture and healing practices, crystals...EVERYTHING that I 'in the closet' enjoyed in Toronto was the norm here in the west coast. I could EXPLORE. Christopher Columbus sailed the seas in a boat called...'Ignorance is Bliss' Yep! I have explored and educated myself so much that I have found myself in a place of depression. Questioning all that my little naive 23 year old believed to be true when she packed those bags and headed out west. I had even questioned and altered my relationship with fashion. As I found myself exploring the spiritual world and that of the hippie lifestyle that's so popular out this way...my fashion related much to my stages of exploration. Coming out here newly citified...slowly changing my style from leather pants and suede heals (I learned quickly that suede heels and the BC wetcoast weather don't mix) to dare I say...yoga pants, rags, cotton tops, torn clothes, braided head bands, large crystal necklaces and unshaven naturally divine (maybe?) body hair. I was now questioning my relationship to fashion and feeling into the brainwashed consumer culture we live in today. This awareness, along with my previous sweatshop factory disgust...created a disconnect between me and my love for fashion. I felt guilty..once again enjoying fashion as my main passion in life. But then it happened (wow the next thought just brought tears to my eyes). While embracing the hippie, free-spirited, yet fashionably fierce island of Salt Spring Island...I found Transitions (the name of the store so fitting). Transitions is a second hand store that not only supports conscious consumerism but...drum roll please...supports women transitioning from unhealthy relationships while reclaiming their right to a life without physical and sexual abuse. It hit me. There were and ARE ways for me to enjoy fashion WHILE contributing in a positive way to the greater whole. I could support other sexual abuse survivors while engaging in my joys of fashion. And that's how the cookie crumbled... The Soul Style was birthed. And although many other side lessons around entrepreneurship, retail owning, financial abundance, tiny home/sustainable living and continual sexual abuse healing occurred..I sit here today on February 16, 2017 in Gene Cafe on Main Street in Vancouver, British Columbia ready to release the past and step into my power as a Soul Stylist...sharing many more tips, tricks, services and products for you to read, wear, enjoy, buy and empower others with. Because...fashion heals. Peace + Love Nik Okay! I admit...I have felt like a victim to my life. I have felt lost. After over a decade of healing work, plus all that living in British Columbia has thrown my way...I have felt like the punch line to some cosmic joke that the Universe thinks is super funny.
When I start moving forward some bolder seems to roll out on the road and block my path. My computer, Nikon, iPhone, and other electronics stolen from me over the last two years and recently my iPad. I have not been able to find housing out here in BC for almost 5 years....8 months being the longest I have sat still. Just as I opened up a cute little business I purchased a fifth wheel in which mold contaminated my things and made me the most physically ill I have ever been. I owe money to close my business but my paper work makes me sick. And not in the excuse way of 'my dog ate my homework'. Literally, the spores on it from being in my home cause my nervous system to react. Fleeing from the invisible devil (a.k.a mold) depleted what little umpphhh for life I had left. Think positive. You manifest what you think. Are you sure it's not all in your head? I think you make things way more difficult than they need to be. Blah blah blah.... I have heard it all and as a Holistic Practitioner felt I couldn't offer services until I, myself had my shit together. Well today I say BULL SHIT to that. Trusting and believing in MYSELF has been the greatest gift. One that I am just opening and playing with everyday this week. It's not humanly possible to 'think positive' all the time, Especially when we are feeling so much. Do you tell a mother who just recently lost her babe "think positive, it will all be okay?" or what about a young woman who just found out she has breast cancer "you thought negative and manifested those lumps in your breast. Just think positive". HELL NO!! This is what I think.. This New Age bumbo doesn't allow us to FEEL. To feel safe in the process and emotions that currently fill our existence. Guess what! I am allowed to feel overwhelmed. I correct my thinking often from the negative to the positive. No, it's not all in my head or the placebo effect. Not only was my immune system and nervous system attacked by constant breathing in of mold but my soul was traumatized by the reactions. I have now been able to find an online community of humans who have all experienced the same things I have. One soul who was just recently sleeping in her car to flee from the effects of mold in her house (I have also had to do this). Finding this brought tears to my eyes. Finally, I have proof to show the nay sayers. But the worst...did I even need proof? Why was I doubting myself with what's been SO real to me? If you think things are more difficult than what they should be...I invite you to wear my shoes and would love to see you walk this soul's path for a day. I truly look forward to your apology for seeing how REAL this has all been and how amazing of a job I am doing. And to the mothers that have lost their babies and young women fighting their battles. YOU ARE DOING GREAT! Continue being real with yourself and everyone else in this world. Feel it all. Let the grief be witnessed. Love yourself for exactly where you are at today. If your thoughts are 'fuck you world' LET THEM BE! If tomorrow you wake up feeling a glimpse of hope and see a bird chirping on a newly exposed branch while red leaves fall. And this fills your heart up. Let it. (this just happened to me). What this world needs is honesty. Not in the "whoa is me" victim way. But the "hey...shit is really hitting the fucken fan right now and it's covered everything. Everything in my life is covered with shit. And it smell.s. Like seriously fucken reeks. And I would love to have tea and be social but man...I am covered in shit and don't want you to smell me." The thing with this is that we are not telling the process that it needs to be something else, we are not fighting the thoughts in our heads, playing ping-pong, tiring ourselves out. For every negative thought we are not on guard throwing it back a positive. Because guess what....if we don't...then we won't manifest and be clear with the Universe on what we wish to attract. Bull shit! Why don't we try to give those negative thoughts space. For they have a message they are trying to deliver. We don't have to be happy all the time. This is not human. It's okay to take off the mask. I invite you too. The most healing experiences and true, raw connections I have had during all this have been with those who haven't tried to change this process....my process. They have accepted me for where I am at, with no expectation or judgment. This open hearted, unconditional love HEALS! And I invite more of it. I hope for everyone to feel like they can be at their lowest of lows and not hide. For that is when I love you the most. Seriously, my soul gets off on it. Please invite me to your smelly, shit covered party. I wish to help you clean your fan, the walls, and assist with your laundry. And not in a co-dependent way. But in an empowering, you are not alone, and I love and accept you right now...way. Sometimes, I may come over in my own reek. And together we can sit and drink tea. Take off our masks and JUST BE. Wow...deep breathe. How freeing and open does your body feel when your invited to 'just be. No facade. Reminder, there is a difference between victim and being real. The over all message: We are human. What's in the way...is the way. There is no need to analyze things to death. This only keeps us in our head. Feel what's there. Give space for what is. We are all a work in progress. If your progress is feeling a little backed-up that's okay. Please don't hide. There is a soul lesson in it all. When it's time, things will shift. There is no need to force it (My heart just sent out a warning as I am still working on truly believing this one. Until I see proof...right? Or how about hold the faith!). Tend to what's showing up in each moment. Of course sitting on the couch eating chips won't create movement and invite change. Just do the best you can! And if eating chips on the couch is your best...then rock on! I want to share with you an article that was posted on a group I am apart of called Online Wellness Boss Babes. This article discusses EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and profound shifts that can take place when implementing this healing modality into your daily rituals. I was first introduced to EFT when I was in University. At the time I had no clue what it was and my Psychologist was pretty out there (I thought). Now that I reflect and look back on it...she used a lot of spiritual modalities on me such as tibetan bowl sounds, Energy Medicine, chanting and EFT. The best part about this article (for me) is how Gala Darling was using EFT to disconnect from the false identity she had created between herself and her eating disorder. Since I have done so much healing around the childhood sexual abuse I experienced...I find it doesn't control my life like it once did and am in a place of re-embering who Nicole Kristen McKay really is (without the abuse as a huge part of my identity). By not identifying with the trauma from my past anymore, I feel as though I am in an empty space. I think tapping is the perfect thing to do at this time...it was so Divinely shown to me today that I couldn't help but pass along the love <3. Easy to Follow EFT Steps: 1. Identify the Issue (what am I tapping about?) *Anything Mind, Body, Soul related *Addiction (food, substances, smoking, sex, etc...) *Traumatic Experiences (painful childhood experiences, loss of a loved one, etc..) *Allergies *Behavioural Issues (ADHD, learning disorders, fears and phobias) *Daily anxiety or stresses *Chronic Health Issues 2. Sit with and rate the emotions in the body. Rate the intensity of emotions felt in the body after identifying the issue you will be tapping about. Zero being little to no tension and Ten being high anxiety levels. 3. Create your tapping statement. A sentence stem to use is: "Even thought I (insert the identified issue here), I still deeply and completely love and accept myself." 4. Tap away Use the tapping chart I attached below as a point of reference (start with hand, then follow from top of head to underarms) or watch here to be guided through the steps. Below are the article links written by Gala Darling and another easy to follow downloadable PDF document on Tapping. Gala Darling- EFT Gala Darling- EFT Tips & Tricks How to Create Personal EFT Statements I will be tapping today :) Would love for you to join me and comment below on what your personal experience is or has been with EFT. Let's release emotions one tap at a time. Remember we are always in process and although it may seem like life takes backward steps...we are always being propelled forward. trust...love...be free NiK <3 [ o ] - Project True Photoshoot by Linsey Hulls Pretty sure this is my new mantra/favourite quote. “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be.” ~ Marianne Williamson As old wounds fall away...I am unveiling my true authentic self more and more everyday...the self that has always been there...but was shushed, afraid, coping...just getting by..doing her best. Now that I am a raw, blank canvas and I cannot relate to my childhood story the way it used to consume me (who I identified myself as)...I am able to paint what I want, re-create, remember who/what my soul has always been. ~Do I like hockey like I used to? I don't know...so let's sign up. ~Yoga? Meh still not a fan..But pilates got me. ~Painting? I have an urge to explore this tonight. ~Own my own business...be a womenpreneur? A ride I have been on for the last year....so far...it's working...(just maybe not retail for ever). ~Crystals?? Yep still love my crytals...feeling a little disconnected from them...But then again I don't need or rely on their energy like I did when I was in the wound..I know I hold all that healing power inside myself. ~Fashion...yep...still the art/expression of choice. ~City living...nope not my gig any more. I prefer my Tiny Home, mountains, trees...the least amount of traffic noise and box stores. ~Socializing...hell yes! Just in a different way. I feel like I lost a goofy, care-free, confident, leader side of me and miss her dearly. Still figuring this one out. But I also am more specific and choosy with who I share my energy with these days...quality over quantity. ~Short hair...hmmm still feeling this one out. WOW!!! All the possibilities! Some things that I enjoyed years ago are still a part of me..they always have been the real me.. Other things have fell away as they were not authentically me. And although I feel naked and vulnerable...I am truly ready to shatter that pane (I initially spelled it 'pain' :P ) of glass that I have seen for years in front of me. The glass that I described being so far away years ago...is now at the tip of my nose waiting for me to breath a bit deeper so it can break. This breaking frightens me...as I am fully aware that on the other side of it is Nicole Kristen McKay. The empowered Goddess that is ready to embrace her souls gifts. That has been shining her bright light...that is powerful, brilliant, hilarious, gorgeous, talented and oh so fucken fabulousoooo. In time. I can feel it happening but am still in process (aren't we all)...My soul is taking the steps it needs to and although I am having a hard time having faith and trusting...a deeper part knows that it's all happening according to the Divine plan. These moments and steps (small awarenesses) are apart of this phase before the caterpillar fully breaks out of it's cozy, familiar cocoon. “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be.” ~ Marianne Williamson Nik <3 YES! This is EXACTLY what I have been processing. I woke up with a lot of emotion this morning and came to the understanding that releasing the image of the life I thought I would have (a concept), to make way for accepting what is (and will continue to be) has created a void inside.. A space of unknown.. And I am not familiar with this place. I chose to make my sexual abuse healing journey the main priority in my life. And now that it's been more than a decade of releasing this...I feel uneasy. Who am I without this wound? I have a clearer understanding of how my body, mind and soul saved me from the trauma and am now working on my mental health from a different perspective. The PTSD that developed after the trauma not only wiped out the bad memories (my systems way of saving me) but also wiped out the good memories. I am working on calming my system and tending to feeding my brain so that it too heals from the trauma and realizes that it's safe to retain information. It's safe to remember...It's safe to have memories. I am also grieving the healing journey I chose for myself over the last decade. I am releasing shame and guilt for the decisions I made that at the time I felt were best for me. My young adult self felt that in order to heal from the abuse I needed to be in a relationship..I needed to trigger myself and confront my fears by being in the 'intimate' presence of a man and constantly created scenarios for myself that would force me to face the abuse. So I decided that being a serial monogamist dater would...heal me faster. For some reason I thought if I didn't have a man in my life then I was running away from the abuse. And since I experienced 100% less anxiety when single...I created opportunities for me to be coupled and chaotic. Alas this is what I thought healing was. Now I am realizing that this concept only created more 'damage' to my system as now I am releasing shame, guilt, and sadness for not trusting my intuition. For staying with men that disrespected me..emotionally, verbally and at one point physically abused me. That developing self-love is the main underlying root. Since high-school I knew what I wanted.. To go to Ryerson University and study Fashion Communications. I wanted to be a mother and a wife. The image in my head of my future husband and kids saved me. There were times that I wanted to die (and one almost fatal attempt) but stopped myself from trying because of the image of my future family cheering me on. When I was in grade 6 I wrote a speech, pretending I was a famous, wealthy Interior Designer. I took my audience and fellow classmates on a journey through my mansion. I used to say to my mom "Mom..I am going to be big one day, I am going to be rich". I have had intuitive readers tell me of my physic gifts and how I will be positively influencing women around the world. In fact...an intuitive walked into my workplace last week and told me how distinct my physic energy was..it was something she hadn't seen in a while. I believe this and know...I am tapping into my souls gifts, and spirit. As I release the concept of what I thought my life would have been...I make way for a life I could not have imagined while playing Barbies as a young innocent child. But the funny irony is that not only did I play with my dolls...but I also saw things...felt things... I would show my mom the spirit right in front of us... I found myself collecting treasures for my alter and would perform ceremony in my room by myself before my teen years. Well apparently my life had slightly different plans for me that I was unaware of at the time. And following this path has brought me to a place of blank, unknown, transition. I moved out to BC for what was meant to be a year...I haven't left (4 years later). I have one more year left of university and instead of having my Bachelors of Communications and working in the event planning, fashion industry...I am in a little earthly town working at a gem shop listening to native pow wow chants. I live in a 5th wheel and own a business selling self-development, spiritual, metaphysical tools (all things that were important to me and my souls growth). I have three framed certificates that have nothing to do with fashion but with energy/body work and coaching- Reiki Practitioner, PSYCH-K Facilitator and Psychosomatic Therapist. How am I supposed to manifest if I don't have any desires? What I thought I desired is no longer. I feel as though the blueprint that my soul has laid out is something that my human mind cannot imagine. It's like an alcoholic who doesn't know they have a drinking problem. The fashionista, small town country girl has found herself...and it's a self that she couldn't have thought up years ago. Now I am finding my purpose. A purpose I know with every cell in my body is bigger than me and my story. I believe this is why I am not fully able to hone in on it at this time. The mountains that I have moved in my young teen and adult years have set up the stage for something grand. Greater than having my picture taking in front of a fashion sponsored event backdrop... One thing I am clear of..are the basics...wake up, feed my body, brush my teeth and so on and so on. Follow what inspires me in each moment. Feel the emotions, let the tears flow, or simply lovingly acknowledge that I am numbingly taping into another layer of the onion... Who said I have to be cheery and feel good all the time. Sometimes we wake up and don't know what we want...where our lives are taking us. I trust my process...Although I do not have clarity right now...I accept that I am in transition...I am allowing what is unfolding, to do so in a safe and gentle way. By just being...allowing...and witnessing...I am able to welcome joy in. By simply trusting and following my intuition (no matter how obscure it is)...I am able to feel peace and excitement for the journey that follows. I am admittedly honouring "the space between no longer and not yet". I was talking to someone last night who reminded me to stay present in my beliefs..."it will all work out the way it's supposed to"...they said. Yeah well I don't know what I believe anymore. I am sick of spirituality and in my search for further rooting myself in some sort of higher power. I have spent so much of my energy answering some fundamental questions I have had over the years...I have exhausted the topic. Is there a God? Higher Power? Are our lives pre-destined? Or do we have unlimited possibilities and every choice we make in each moment effects every aspect of our future? Can we manifest? Does my subconscious beliefs really effect what I am attracting into my life (Law of Attraction)? Are there angels, Arch-angels, pre-assigned Spirit Guides? Blah flippen blah blah... This morning I was chatting with my mom and she mentioned my morals and values...It made me re-think what my conversation last-night was about and how I am really being called to stay present in my beliefs. I pulled a card from my Romance Angels deck last night and it was TRUST. "This situation is calling for you to have faith." Oh fuck..really. Have faith in what? Air? Floating atoms? A man with a white beard and gold trident? As I slept on this...one thing I do know...is that my Universe is constantly communicating with me. Through numbers, articles, people...Synchronicity seems to play a large role in my life (and it's especially strong during certain times). When I got to work this morning there was a water bottle perfectly placed on a log by the door that read "Don't let anyone dull your Sparkle" I couldn't help but laugh as it felt like some fairy, angel, mermaid...or just simply human tongue emoticon intentionally put it there for me to see and start my day with. Another conversation I had last-night was with a girlfriend about me speaking my truth. Writing. Sharing my story. I told her that while I was working at the local crystal store yesterday I purchased a gem that I had been thinking about for more than a month, as well as a few other that called out to me. As I looked up their healing properties and meanings ALL stones were about communication, speaking freely, having the confidence to public speak and clear the channel from my mind to expression (via paper, computer, public speaking). Looks like IT IS TIME. I slept holding that crystal all night and the 'powers' must be working... All morning I have felt inspired to write, share and dive deeper. Thank-you to whoever left their water bottle in front of my shop. It was the exact message and confirmation I needed. I DESERVE TO SPARKLE!! "and if you can't handle it...put on some sunglasses or leave the party" says my sassy, no more caring about what others will think..I am not playing small..SELF. My Mantra for today is: I DESERVE ________.
As I dive deeper into myself and what my body and soul are releasing I continue to find myself journeying back to the root of unconditional self-love. I wish as a society we talked more openly about what it means to love ourselves...better yet...teach our children in schools how to healthily process emotions, tend to their body/mind/soul needs and to truly love themselves for the body they have and who they are in this moment. I am my worst critic...and this week it really hit home for me as to just how hard I am on myself...I am so busy healing, thinking, doing that I stop BEING. I strive to be more healed from the sexual abuse, a better entrepreneur, a mentor that has figured it all out...that I fall into a cycle of self-judgement and non-self love. The demands that I put on myself are not realistic and obtainable. I deserve to love my body the way it is TODAY! I deserve to speak my voice and truth. I am real and raw. I deserve to have amazing, supportive, fun, healthy women friendships. I deserve to tap into the reservoir of my sensual feminine energy. I deserve to be loved by a man unconditionally. I deserve a man that sees me for me and wants to stand by my-side on this journey here on Earth. I deserve to move my body and release pain, anger, frustration, hurt, and any other repressed emotions that my body stored at such a young age. I also deserve to have a support team and not do this alone. I deserve a safe, sacred home space that nourishes all of me and those that enter my space. I deserve to be a facilitator, practitioner, healer, light worker and not feel the weight of having to have my shit together all the time. I deserve to have a bank account that abundantly flows as it provides nourishment to my body/mind/soul and business. I deserve to have a thriving business that financially supports me. A business that I enjoy and never want to take a vacation from. I deserve to believe and be strongly rooted in my beliefs. I deserve to be intuitive. To see, feel, hear the subtle world around us and express what it's saying. I deserve to be happy. To play, be joyous and innocent. My inner child gets to have the childhood she deserves through adult me. I deserve to live in this moment. And the next and the next, with an open heart. To truly feel the love of everything around me. I deserve to love. To feel love, to know what love is and to allow it to enter me and be felt by every single cell in my body. I deserve to open my heart and not be afraid of slamming it shut on a whim. I deserve the world and more. Because I am the world and more. That is all I have to say today :P P.S- I knew I was going to write this morning about I DESERVE and when I got to work was greeted by a water bottle perfectly placed on a log that read "Don't let anyone dull your sparkle". How Divine <3 I stumbled across this beautiful post yesterday! It seems that the theme in my life this week is defining what financial wealth, richness and abundance means to me.
When I was younger I told my mom I was going to be rich one day. My elementary school speech was me acting as a guide as I took my audience on a visual tour of my decorated mansion. Going to school for Fashion Communications in the big city of Toronto slowly hindered my inner reality and desire to be financially abundant. During first year I would have my mom talk me into continuing with the program.. "Mom..I feel so ignorant. I am here studying fashion (said in an attitude, eye rolling kinda way)...while there are kids in Africa that can't even afford clothing." "Nicole...you are allowed to educate yourself on what you enjoy. Just because you are studying fashion and immersed in a specific culture...doesn't mean you can't turn around and do good for the world with your education (fashion fundraisers, missions trips, coaching, etc..). Everyone soul picks their journey and lessons...those kids souls called in their life...and just because yours looks different doesn't mean you have to play small." After moving to BC I struggled with spirituality and money...Is someone more spiritual and enlightened if they have less materialistic things? If we have desires and wants (like fun Converse shoes, the home decor in the local furniture store window...) does this mean we are ruled by our ego? If we hold a sense of attachment to these things, does this means we need to attend a yoga retreat and meditate on why we want that chocolate bar SO badly and if we can't just have self-discipline and one nibble then we need to check-in and process why? My Psychosomatic teacher was the guiding light that invited me to understand that money is an extension of love. It's like our inner well of self-worth. "Nicole...you want as much money as you can get..The more money you have...the more people you can empower." Well SHIT!! Now someone is talking my language...When I am financially rich..I will open up my healing centre..invite women with all bank account sizes to come, connect, grow and heal. Offer natural healing tools to them so they can heal from sexual abuse, addiction, co-dependency, body abuse...... Few years after my training here I am feeling RICH as fuck and abundant. I have a beautiful home that works for me right now, a kitty that makes my heart melt, parents that back me up 100%, friends and family that I can cry and laugh with, clothes that inspire me and a store/business that is growing. To me...being financially well off AND live as woman that resembles depth, rawness, conscious emotions, inspiration and empowerment is what true balanced abundance looks like. I am creating a life where people can look through the window....and see a room full of love, laughter, play, tears, raw emotion, depth, and really nice home decor. Who said we can't have it all? Enjoy it all? While still living aware and consciously with GRATITUDE. I was talking to someone the other day about how much personal growth can take place in such a little amount of time..because we change and evolve so much as souls.
If I were to look back at February Nicole to July Nicole...I couldn't even describe the depths within myself that I have reached. Spending time on me and NOT SETTLING has been one the most rewarding experiences in my life. My life hasn't been easy...opening up to a loving, intimate, relationship has been the hardest thing for me...after experiencing sexual abuse at such a young age. And although I have come a long way...I have to stay disciplined and conscious in what arises for me each moment in the present. I am learning to lovingly give space for what my wounded child, wild warrior woman and sensitive intuitive heart want to express. My challenge this week was being able to do this without feeling like I needed to apologize or say "I am sorry".. To show up and say: "this is me...I am still a little messy" "love me or move on" I have realized that one of the most healing experiences is just accepting and allowing what comes up (thoughts, emotions, etc..) without judgement or control. The moment I attempt to control (stay in my head) is when a sense of fighting takes place. So I hereby declare that (and pretty much live this anyways)...but what you see is what you get. I may be fun and goofy one minute, and the next feel the pain of the world in my healers heart. My mind may be focused and 27 but when my pain body is triggered that confused 7 year old may take the stage. And guess what.. OH FUCKEN WELL!! I am learning to love it all. All of me..EXACTLY the way I am in this moment..or the next. And this week I release the need to feel like I have to have it all together all the time. Or apologize for the way I am showing up. I am fully aware that I can show up and be a wild woman entrepreneur, leader, friend...but let me be real with myself...being in my intimate relationship is hard. The abuse ingrained my psyche and heart with some deep shit..and I am giving myself the permission to just be the way I am..right now...and right now I am learning to open my heart and stay present. And not in a 'Oh that is a cute kid" or "wow what a beautiful flower" kind of open heart. I mean in a full fucken blown no more cracks, all concrete has been smashed, dissolved, swept and holy shit I need sunglasses because..Nicole your heart light is shining so bright...kinda heart opening <3 It's scary, it hurts, someday I don't see the light at the end of he tunnel..but fuck I am committed to myself. Care to join me? ... |