Holy shit balls mother#$$%er ;P This one is going to be a real doozy. I woke up this morning feeling that it is now time to write this and release it into the unlimited Universe. Again I trust that those who are meant to read this will be guided and only welcome honoring of self, love, compassion and oneness. As I mentioned in my last post 'home sweet home' when I was healing from the sexual abuse trauma that I experienced as a child, I developed OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). After committing the majority of my university years to workshops and healing, I came to understand that this 'disorder' was actually my soul/mind/body's way of masking and trying to fix or offer something that I wasn't able to during the time of the abuse...CONTROL. I fought for this for a while as I grieved and released guilt and anger towards myself as to why I did NOT STOP the abuse from happening to me. And maybe it's only just now as I type this that I can fully embody the truth that I was not ABLE or EXPECTED to stop it from occurring. How could a young child around the age of 7 take on and stop grown men from attacking her? It's not physically possible. PHEW!! Weight off of my shoulders. Obsessively washing was my way of trying to scrub of the shame I had for myself, thinking that I wanted the abuse to happen BECAUSE I DID NOT STOP IT or TAKE CONTROL. It was a way to prove to myself that I did not want it to happen or enjoy it. Our sexual being and essence is hardwired into our bodies and it's only natural for someone to think they enjoy rape when it's the first experience of their body being stimulated? Right? OCD was my way of cleaning myself to a point where I was ultimately proving that I didn't want it to occur, that I didn't enjoy it. "Here Nicole I will wash and wash and check and wear specific types of clothes that hide your body and store more in the car to change into and re-wash and control any thought, impulse, or emotion that you have towards your sexuality, feminine essence and the physical arousal of the abuse just to prove to you that I didn't egg on those men." When I was in university the OCD (I refer to it as 'the' and not 'mine' because I refuse to take on, welcome it into my life or be labeled by it) took over. It had already interfered with the quality of my life, and between attempting to have a relationship (my way of feeling like I was actively healing and facing the abuse), going to school and hiding this 'disorder' I was at my limits and was put on medication to hone the anxiety and limit the OCD symptoms. A solution that many probably questioned why it wasn't implemented sooner.... With the way I was raised (being allergic to many things and having a beautiful mother that introduced us to holistic healing) and my beliefs about western medicine (that I embraced at such a young age) this was not something I particularly wanted and knew it was the last straw. As I mentioned before I never really did things like the majority my age and made healing my number one priority. But with that also tried to do this in the most natural way possible. I was very insightful and knowledgeable even at a young age and felt taking western medication for this would only mask my symptoms and cure things on a surface level BUT WHAT ABOUT THE ROOT OF THE PROBEM? Why put on a temporary bandage (or maybe not so temporary) and hide the symptoms/anxiety (or attempt to) when I could speak to my inner child- the wound and deal with the real issue at stake. The OCD wasn't the issue, it was the solution or survival technique I had implemented until I fully dealt with the real underlying issue. After taking the medication for only a few months and being slowly smothered even further from my true essence or better yet decaying into a zombie, I used the drugs to attempt to end my life. 1 bottle of citalopram + 1 bottle of alazopram + 1 (100 tablet) bottle of Ibuprofen = One of Nicole's wake up calls After taking all three of these in one sitting I was rushed to the hospital. I do not remember getting there and was unconscious for a few days. I would like to thank all those that were involved in that night and a part of me would like to apologize for any pain I may have caused...although a deeper part of me understands it all happens for a reason. I trust that you were meant to be there and witness that and know it has (or will) guide you in the way it was meant to in your lives. After writing that I feel slightly selfish but truly am starting to understand and believe (embody) Divine Timing, The Universe has a way of unfolding and presenting to us what we need to experience (in this case witness and see) in order for our souls to learn and grow. I refuse to carry the shame and guilt of that night as I know I was doing the best I could at the time with what I knew and was feeling and also have to have faith that it all happened the way it was meant to. Thank you for being there and being you. After waking up (this memory is still a blur to me) I was later informed by the doctor that the combination (concoction) I had created actually saved my life. By taking uppers and downers they were able to stabilize me and balance out...in other words...it was not my time to go. * Same of these pictures are of me during this time in my life, others I found off of the Internet,
and all are placed in a way to convey this experience in my life.
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It's been two years and eight months since I have 'traveled' to British Columbia. What was intended to be a one year fun vacation away from school (and other events in my life that you will read about in a bit) became a soul stripping, somewhat painful and speedy fast evolving journey connecting me to...don don don...me.
I have been itching for a year or so to start sharing my journey with others and mainly to 'journal' and connect further with myself in a way that feels more thrilling than writing in a binded pad of paper all the emotions I have pent up, insights I have gained, intuitive connections I have made and much more... So here is one of hopefully a few more entries. My hopes are to share who I am, what I have been through in my 26 years here on Earth and get to understand myself in a deeper way. I trust that those who are guided and compelled to read are meant to and would love to connect via comments and sharing 'stories'. It's been a few months now of feeling ungrounded after I moved out of the tiny cottage I spent the beginning of this year renovating. This was purely my choice however catching my overly flirtatious mid-fifty, creepy neighbour photographing me, then experiencing a leaky roof assisted in the matter. I am so grateful for my dear friend that has provided a roof over my head for the last few months as I attempted to find my next dwelling (which has now turned into the beautiful loft in her backyard). After living with my things in storage, starting up a small business in my local town, and looking for my next home.. (along with the lessons from my lower mainland and Salt Spring Island journeys) I have truly embodied the fact that these things mean little to me at this moment. The truth behind what I want in my life evolves around surrounding myself with a community I adore, friends I admire, and my family that I love. I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life as business opportunities present themselves and I am feeling the roots to my tree sink deeper into the ground below me. THIS FREAKS THE SHIT OUT OF ME! I have always been a 'free spirit' going off leading a path of my own... I feel like I have slightly lost this part of me as I am now recognizing that some of that fleeing may have been actually running...running away from?? Possibly me?? I have committed to staying single (not settling) , focusing on my future career (what will financially support me and my future family) and connecting with like-minded...I am finding myself feeling very empty and not at ease as I am touching places inside of me that have never been touched. For those who don't know...I have spent all of my elementary, high-school and university years FULLY committed to healing from a childhood sexual abuse trauma I experienced. For some reason I just couldn't be the girl that repressed her past (although I did try) and found myself wanting to constantly dive into the healing that my soul needed in order to free myself from this trauma (whether I liked it or wanted to...I had to). Many nights and mornings were spent crying and I became the best actress I knew as I could be dealing with this one minute, wipe the tears and catch the bus the next. With a smile on my face and a caring heart little did many of my classmates (particularly in elementary school and high-school) know the pain I was suffering inside. Due to the lack of control I had over the rape, I subconsciously believed that cleaning, washing, and doing other mundane behaviours/tasks were a way for me to gain control over my life- I developed the worst case of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I played it off well but truth be-told years later....my dry, cracked bloody hands in high-school were not due to the cold weather like I said they were. I would wash my hands over and over again until 8 hours of my day became obsessive behaviours. My idea of 'fun' was going to therapy and workshops. After years of healing I can proudly say that I no longer have OCD and the abuse is not in the forefront of my mind. I have chose to 'forgift' my abuser and thank him for leading my soul into it's life purpose- empowering and coaching other women and men. I think the disconnect and feelings that are surfacing at this moment are due to the very fact that I have done so much healing work and it's coming to an end. It's now time for me to focus on things I never felt I could really focus on- my future, career, a healthy relationship and healthy, fun, fulfilling friendships. It is now time for me to stand in my power and follow my intuition as it leads me (the thought of being empowered, and having fun- no drama feels foreign to me but I welcome it with open arms). Thank you for all those who have played a role in my movie. I look forward to this next phase of healing as I have stripped away the 'idea' of how my life 'should' have been and am now surrendering to what God and Divine Timing are presenting it to be. I invite you to join me as I challenge myself to stay in each moment. Not worrying about where to live, if my business is what I truly want, and all the other chatter that fills my mind. Let's walk side-by-side and remind each other daily that the small things in life are what matter (as I look out the window and see the trees, mountain tops and water) and the rest of it will effortlessly fall into place. :) I pledge to all of you that I will bring my attention back to this very moment when I find myself stressing, and will commit to a gratitude journal entry every night for the rest of August. As well I will focus on my solar plexus chakra and sit with the discomfort and emptiness that I feel when I think of standing in my power, being my own best friend and providing myself with all that I need. trust love be free In love and light, Nicole Kristen McKay p.s- My brother's sweater that I am wearing was the simple inspiration that I needed to write this. Thank you Evan..I wear this when I am feeling home sick. |