Yesterday I was finding myself very mellow and still. Something was being processed in my body and when I asked myself what it was...this is what I received.
I felt like I needed to mourn the life my mind had planned for me years ago and release the anger and frustration I had been holding around my future husband. I felt mad at a man I don't even know of yet. A friend of mine came into the store and I said "I am mad at my husband. I am mad at him for not showing up and being here right now." The night or two prior I was laying in my Polly Pocket (5th Wheel home) and could hear my man whispering things to be as I dosed off. This was reassuring and comforting but brought up feelings that I now see were hindering me from fully living in the present moment, now, as Miss Nicole McKay, 'single'. I am fully aware and embodying what it means to be an independent, empowered Goddess of a woman. One that loves herself unconditionally and won't settle, who doesn't need a man to satisfy her life... But this past weekend I started to release the pain that the image I had created for my life has not panned out accordingly. I did not marry my first boyfriend, and do not have my little bambinos hanging off of my arms and legs. The white picket fence...nope, the diamond ring...nope, cute little family pictures framed and hung up the spiral staircase to our beautifully decorated and cozy home...nope. Instead I am working on myself, growing, striving daily to be the best version of myself possible and healing any past-life and childhood wounds so I do not play them out as a parent. I am becoming my own best-friend. Instead I am learning what it means to live in an abundant world, how to openly receive love and joy. Instead I am building a business I am passionate about...one that makes my heart sing and fulfills my souls purpose. Instead I am living in a 34ft 5th wheel, while defining what safety, security and home mean to me. I am learning how to stand in my power...in a rooted way that even the wildest winds cannot shake my trunk. I am learning what it means to empower and inspire..not enable or victimize. I am learning what it means and how to...authentically speak my truth. I am learning how to live in alignment with my wild woman heart and soul and most importantly am breaking down all the walls that block me from feeling, loving and being present...being present with what is..right now. Being present with my friends, family, community and one day being present with you. Although I yearn to share my life now with this man, I choose in this moment to trust him (whoever 'him' is). Trust that he is doing his part in this world, that he is on a journey of unconditional self-acceptance, forgiveness and meeting the people he needs to along the way that will spark his growth. My love, I look forward to the day that our hearts unit.. For on this day every cell in my body will know 100%....he is mine. And not mine in a controlling way..but mine in a way that invites growth, security, trust and freedom. Until then I promise I will fill myself with love and joy. I will connect to my heart, make love to my soul and touch my body. I will treat my body as the temple it is and nourish my soul in the ways it yearns to be. I will connect to my womb and invite myself to release any and all feelings of guilt, and shame society has inflicted on me as a woman. Love you always, where ever you are.. Your sweet angel <3
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It's amazing how the ripples of one person can pulsate through a community, and the hearts of those who just briefly touched the depth of his being. A local community member passed away this week and it's stirred up so much inside. Although I had just started attending circles that this man was present at and just two weeks ago he came into my workplace and asked what my name was...I knew of him and our brief interactions played a larger role in my life then he may have known when he was alive. (although I am sure his free soul now understands the strength of his presence). The first time I met Daniel was in community council..we sat in circle and shared from our hearts. I freely expressed my hearts desire to inspire, and empower women who have experienced sexual abuse and with this wanted to open up a healing centre that offered group workshops, healthy foods, meditation and other spiritual/natural forms of releasing and healing the effects caused by sexual abuse. Later that evening our closing circle exercise was to go around the circle and one-by-one hug each participant. When Daniel and I shared a hug he looked at me and said one of his previous partners had been sexually abused. He was aware of this epidemic and honoured my strength, and vision. Now this hit home...hearing a man around my age speak from his heart around this topic touched me. It excited me. I would now only except men into my circle who were activists around educating and holding men accountable and empowering..holding sacred space for women to express the pain of their pasts. Being heard deeply in circle by Daniel and later actually being told by him personally about what he heard my heart sing...that was healing. My standards were raised that night. My excitement and passion twirled as I witnessed right in front of me a sensitive, gentle soul. A masculine, tall, handsome later-twenty something year old man...that hadn't lost his ability to feel, witness, speak his truth. Daniel reminded me of my high-school boyfriend...this man would have stayed by my side through all of it..he introduced to me what it meant to be loved. And not just the...oh wow, we are having fun laughing..oh wait things just got real and now I have to run because I dipped my toe in the water and don't want to go any deeper...co-dependent kind of love. Chris cared..his 17/18 year old sensitive, gentle, loving soul GOT IT. The pain he witnessed from me as my 16/17 year old self tried be real about my past, yet still live as a teenager was raw and this man held space for it all. It's been 10 years and to this day I have never been loved that hard. ..my shadow self, innocent little girl and empowered woman are excited to meet the man that will love me in this way for my whole life. And I thank-you Daniel for reminding me that there are men like you and Chris out there. And that it's time for us women to hold space for men to express and release their pain. The concept of the masculine needs to shift..we are coming into an age and frequency where the feminine is over-riding..and with this it's our feminine, Goddess responsibility to hold space for our Warriors..space so they can weep the deaths of their fellow warriors, weep for the rage, rape and destruction humans have penetrated onto our Mother Earth. So they can tremble and fall with loss of direction and other yucky human emotions. When did we create this notion that men have to stand tall and suck it in? I want my man vulnerable, sensitive, balanced between his masculine and feminine. Free to communicate his inner hearts desires without feeling shame, guilt, judgement or fear. To cry in my lap when he is sad. I want all men to sit in circle and share with each other their pains..what is weighing them down. How healing would this be? Women we need to stand tall, not settle, expect more for ourselves, protect our temple and sacred womb. This will create the ripple... Just imagine..a circle of men...one-by-one sharing..holding eye contact with each other and hearing..not listening..hearing what each soul is singing. Hugging and being told they are heard, safe, and loved. Or what about both men and women sharing in this circle..safely. Without hesitation, and with safe boundaries and grounded sexual energy. No codependency and masks. I want to live in a world where we take care of each other holding, embracing, sharing with one another we send prayers to the others holding the space for them to recover so they can discover their mother patiently waiting, sisters and brothers it's time to wake from the slumber rise from the dream and learn how to love her now when the days come to turn this ship around I truly do want to live in that kind of world. Please no more wake up calls. It is time. Time to speak our truths, time to share, time to hold sacred space, time to devour our self worth. IT IS TIME!! Women and men...We are being called to step up to the plate. To dive into healing our wounds openly without the fear of judgement or shame. It's time to COLLECTIVELY create intimate, vulnerable, healing space. We are all human, we all feel. IT IS TIME! |