Okay! I admit...I have felt like a victim to my life. I have felt lost. After over a decade of healing work, plus all that living in British Columbia has thrown my way...I have felt like the punch line to some cosmic joke that the Universe thinks is super funny.
When I start moving forward some bolder seems to roll out on the road and block my path. My computer, Nikon, iPhone, and other electronics stolen from me over the last two years and recently my iPad. I have not been able to find housing out here in BC for almost 5 years....8 months being the longest I have sat still. Just as I opened up a cute little business I purchased a fifth wheel in which mold contaminated my things and made me the most physically ill I have ever been. I owe money to close my business but my paper work makes me sick. And not in the excuse way of 'my dog ate my homework'. Literally, the spores on it from being in my home cause my nervous system to react. Fleeing from the invisible devil (a.k.a mold) depleted what little umpphhh for life I had left. Think positive. You manifest what you think. Are you sure it's not all in your head? I think you make things way more difficult than they need to be. Blah blah blah.... I have heard it all and as a Holistic Practitioner felt I couldn't offer services until I, myself had my shit together. Well today I say BULL SHIT to that. Trusting and believing in MYSELF has been the greatest gift. One that I am just opening and playing with everyday this week. It's not humanly possible to 'think positive' all the time, Especially when we are feeling so much. Do you tell a mother who just recently lost her babe "think positive, it will all be okay?" or what about a young woman who just found out she has breast cancer "you thought negative and manifested those lumps in your breast. Just think positive". HELL NO!! This is what I think.. This New Age bumbo doesn't allow us to FEEL. To feel safe in the process and emotions that currently fill our existence. Guess what! I am allowed to feel overwhelmed. I correct my thinking often from the negative to the positive. No, it's not all in my head or the placebo effect. Not only was my immune system and nervous system attacked by constant breathing in of mold but my soul was traumatized by the reactions. I have now been able to find an online community of humans who have all experienced the same things I have. One soul who was just recently sleeping in her car to flee from the effects of mold in her house (I have also had to do this). Finding this brought tears to my eyes. Finally, I have proof to show the nay sayers. But the worst...did I even need proof? Why was I doubting myself with what's been SO real to me? If you think things are more difficult than what they should be...I invite you to wear my shoes and would love to see you walk this soul's path for a day. I truly look forward to your apology for seeing how REAL this has all been and how amazing of a job I am doing. And to the mothers that have lost their babies and young women fighting their battles. YOU ARE DOING GREAT! Continue being real with yourself and everyone else in this world. Feel it all. Let the grief be witnessed. Love yourself for exactly where you are at today. If your thoughts are 'fuck you world' LET THEM BE! If tomorrow you wake up feeling a glimpse of hope and see a bird chirping on a newly exposed branch while red leaves fall. And this fills your heart up. Let it. (this just happened to me). What this world needs is honesty. Not in the "whoa is me" victim way. But the "hey...shit is really hitting the fucken fan right now and it's covered everything. Everything in my life is covered with shit. And it smell.s. Like seriously fucken reeks. And I would love to have tea and be social but man...I am covered in shit and don't want you to smell me." The thing with this is that we are not telling the process that it needs to be something else, we are not fighting the thoughts in our heads, playing ping-pong, tiring ourselves out. For every negative thought we are not on guard throwing it back a positive. Because guess what....if we don't...then we won't manifest and be clear with the Universe on what we wish to attract. Bull shit! Why don't we try to give those negative thoughts space. For they have a message they are trying to deliver. We don't have to be happy all the time. This is not human. It's okay to take off the mask. I invite you too. The most healing experiences and true, raw connections I have had during all this have been with those who haven't tried to change this process....my process. They have accepted me for where I am at, with no expectation or judgment. This open hearted, unconditional love HEALS! And I invite more of it. I hope for everyone to feel like they can be at their lowest of lows and not hide. For that is when I love you the most. Seriously, my soul gets off on it. Please invite me to your smelly, shit covered party. I wish to help you clean your fan, the walls, and assist with your laundry. And not in a co-dependent way. But in an empowering, you are not alone, and I love and accept you right now...way. Sometimes, I may come over in my own reek. And together we can sit and drink tea. Take off our masks and JUST BE. Wow...deep breathe. How freeing and open does your body feel when your invited to 'just be. No facade. Reminder, there is a difference between victim and being real. The over all message: We are human. What's in the way...is the way. There is no need to analyze things to death. This only keeps us in our head. Feel what's there. Give space for what is. We are all a work in progress. If your progress is feeling a little backed-up that's okay. Please don't hide. There is a soul lesson in it all. When it's time, things will shift. There is no need to force it (My heart just sent out a warning as I am still working on truly believing this one. Until I see proof...right? Or how about hold the faith!). Tend to what's showing up in each moment. Of course sitting on the couch eating chips won't create movement and invite change. Just do the best you can! And if eating chips on the couch is your best...then rock on!
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