[ o ] - Project True Photoshoot by Linsey Hulls Pretty sure this is my new mantra/favourite quote. “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be.” ~ Marianne Williamson As old wounds fall away...I am unveiling my true authentic self more and more everyday...the self that has always been there...but was shushed, afraid, coping...just getting by..doing her best. Now that I am a raw, blank canvas and I cannot relate to my childhood story the way it used to consume me (who I identified myself as)...I am able to paint what I want, re-create, remember who/what my soul has always been. ~Do I like hockey like I used to? I don't know...so let's sign up. ~Yoga? Meh still not a fan..But pilates got me. ~Painting? I have an urge to explore this tonight. ~Own my own business...be a womenpreneur? A ride I have been on for the last year....so far...it's working...(just maybe not retail for ever). ~Crystals?? Yep still love my crytals...feeling a little disconnected from them...But then again I don't need or rely on their energy like I did when I was in the wound..I know I hold all that healing power inside myself. ~Fashion...yep...still the art/expression of choice. ~City living...nope not my gig any more. I prefer my Tiny Home, mountains, trees...the least amount of traffic noise and box stores. ~Socializing...hell yes! Just in a different way. I feel like I lost a goofy, care-free, confident, leader side of me and miss her dearly. Still figuring this one out. But I also am more specific and choosy with who I share my energy with these days...quality over quantity. ~Short hair...hmmm still feeling this one out. WOW!!! All the possibilities! Some things that I enjoyed years ago are still a part of me..they always have been the real me.. Other things have fell away as they were not authentically me. And although I feel naked and vulnerable...I am truly ready to shatter that pane (I initially spelled it 'pain' :P ) of glass that I have seen for years in front of me. The glass that I described being so far away years ago...is now at the tip of my nose waiting for me to breath a bit deeper so it can break. This breaking frightens me...as I am fully aware that on the other side of it is Nicole Kristen McKay. The empowered Goddess that is ready to embrace her souls gifts. That has been shining her bright light...that is powerful, brilliant, hilarious, gorgeous, talented and oh so fucken fabulousoooo. In time. I can feel it happening but am still in process (aren't we all)...My soul is taking the steps it needs to and although I am having a hard time having faith and trusting...a deeper part knows that it's all happening according to the Divine plan. These moments and steps (small awarenesses) are apart of this phase before the caterpillar fully breaks out of it's cozy, familiar cocoon. “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be.” ~ Marianne Williamson Nik <3
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YES! This is EXACTLY what I have been processing. I woke up with a lot of emotion this morning and came to the understanding that releasing the image of the life I thought I would have (a concept), to make way for accepting what is (and will continue to be) has created a void inside.. A space of unknown.. And I am not familiar with this place. I chose to make my sexual abuse healing journey the main priority in my life. And now that it's been more than a decade of releasing this...I feel uneasy. Who am I without this wound? I have a clearer understanding of how my body, mind and soul saved me from the trauma and am now working on my mental health from a different perspective. The PTSD that developed after the trauma not only wiped out the bad memories (my systems way of saving me) but also wiped out the good memories. I am working on calming my system and tending to feeding my brain so that it too heals from the trauma and realizes that it's safe to retain information. It's safe to remember...It's safe to have memories. I am also grieving the healing journey I chose for myself over the last decade. I am releasing shame and guilt for the decisions I made that at the time I felt were best for me. My young adult self felt that in order to heal from the abuse I needed to be in a relationship..I needed to trigger myself and confront my fears by being in the 'intimate' presence of a man and constantly created scenarios for myself that would force me to face the abuse. So I decided that being a serial monogamist dater would...heal me faster. For some reason I thought if I didn't have a man in my life then I was running away from the abuse. And since I experienced 100% less anxiety when single...I created opportunities for me to be coupled and chaotic. Alas this is what I thought healing was. Now I am realizing that this concept only created more 'damage' to my system as now I am releasing shame, guilt, and sadness for not trusting my intuition. For staying with men that disrespected me..emotionally, verbally and at one point physically abused me. That developing self-love is the main underlying root. Since high-school I knew what I wanted.. To go to Ryerson University and study Fashion Communications. I wanted to be a mother and a wife. The image in my head of my future husband and kids saved me. There were times that I wanted to die (and one almost fatal attempt) but stopped myself from trying because of the image of my future family cheering me on. When I was in grade 6 I wrote a speech, pretending I was a famous, wealthy Interior Designer. I took my audience and fellow classmates on a journey through my mansion. I used to say to my mom "Mom..I am going to be big one day, I am going to be rich". I have had intuitive readers tell me of my physic gifts and how I will be positively influencing women around the world. In fact...an intuitive walked into my workplace last week and told me how distinct my physic energy was..it was something she hadn't seen in a while. I believe this and know...I am tapping into my souls gifts, and spirit. As I release the concept of what I thought my life would have been...I make way for a life I could not have imagined while playing Barbies as a young innocent child. But the funny irony is that not only did I play with my dolls...but I also saw things...felt things... I would show my mom the spirit right in front of us... I found myself collecting treasures for my alter and would perform ceremony in my room by myself before my teen years. Well apparently my life had slightly different plans for me that I was unaware of at the time. And following this path has brought me to a place of blank, unknown, transition. I moved out to BC for what was meant to be a year...I haven't left (4 years later). I have one more year left of university and instead of having my Bachelors of Communications and working in the event planning, fashion industry...I am in a little earthly town working at a gem shop listening to native pow wow chants. I live in a 5th wheel and own a business selling self-development, spiritual, metaphysical tools (all things that were important to me and my souls growth). I have three framed certificates that have nothing to do with fashion but with energy/body work and coaching- Reiki Practitioner, PSYCH-K Facilitator and Psychosomatic Therapist. How am I supposed to manifest if I don't have any desires? What I thought I desired is no longer. I feel as though the blueprint that my soul has laid out is something that my human mind cannot imagine. It's like an alcoholic who doesn't know they have a drinking problem. The fashionista, small town country girl has found herself...and it's a self that she couldn't have thought up years ago. Now I am finding my purpose. A purpose I know with every cell in my body is bigger than me and my story. I believe this is why I am not fully able to hone in on it at this time. The mountains that I have moved in my young teen and adult years have set up the stage for something grand. Greater than having my picture taking in front of a fashion sponsored event backdrop... One thing I am clear of..are the basics...wake up, feed my body, brush my teeth and so on and so on. Follow what inspires me in each moment. Feel the emotions, let the tears flow, or simply lovingly acknowledge that I am numbingly taping into another layer of the onion... Who said I have to be cheery and feel good all the time. Sometimes we wake up and don't know what we want...where our lives are taking us. I trust my process...Although I do not have clarity right now...I accept that I am in transition...I am allowing what is unfolding, to do so in a safe and gentle way. By just being...allowing...and witnessing...I am able to welcome joy in. By simply trusting and following my intuition (no matter how obscure it is)...I am able to feel peace and excitement for the journey that follows. I am admittedly honouring "the space between no longer and not yet". |