Yesterday I was finding myself very mellow and still. Something was being processed in my body and when I asked myself what it was...this is what I received.
I felt like I needed to mourn the life my mind had planned for me years ago and release the anger and frustration I had been holding around my future husband. I felt mad at a man I don't even know of yet. A friend of mine came into the store and I said "I am mad at my husband. I am mad at him for not showing up and being here right now." The night or two prior I was laying in my Polly Pocket (5th Wheel home) and could hear my man whispering things to be as I dosed off. This was reassuring and comforting but brought up feelings that I now see were hindering me from fully living in the present moment, now, as Miss Nicole McKay, 'single'. I am fully aware and embodying what it means to be an independent, empowered Goddess of a woman. One that loves herself unconditionally and won't settle, who doesn't need a man to satisfy her life... But this past weekend I started to release the pain that the image I had created for my life has not panned out accordingly. I did not marry my first boyfriend, and do not have my little bambinos hanging off of my arms and legs. The white picket fence...nope, the diamond ring...nope, cute little family pictures framed and hung up the spiral staircase to our beautifully decorated and cozy home...nope. Instead I am working on myself, growing, striving daily to be the best version of myself possible and healing any past-life and childhood wounds so I do not play them out as a parent. I am becoming my own best-friend. Instead I am learning what it means to live in an abundant world, how to openly receive love and joy. Instead I am building a business I am passionate about...one that makes my heart sing and fulfills my souls purpose. Instead I am living in a 34ft 5th wheel, while defining what safety, security and home mean to me. I am learning how to stand in my power...in a rooted way that even the wildest winds cannot shake my trunk. I am learning what it means to empower and inspire..not enable or victimize. I am learning what it means and how to...authentically speak my truth. I am learning how to live in alignment with my wild woman heart and soul and most importantly am breaking down all the walls that block me from feeling, loving and being present...being present with what is..right now. Being present with my friends, family, community and one day being present with you. Although I yearn to share my life now with this man, I choose in this moment to trust him (whoever 'him' is). Trust that he is doing his part in this world, that he is on a journey of unconditional self-acceptance, forgiveness and meeting the people he needs to along the way that will spark his growth. My love, I look forward to the day that our hearts unit.. For on this day every cell in my body will know 100%....he is mine. And not mine in a controlling way..but mine in a way that invites growth, security, trust and freedom. Until then I promise I will fill myself with love and joy. I will connect to my heart, make love to my soul and touch my body. I will treat my body as the temple it is and nourish my soul in the ways it yearns to be. I will connect to my womb and invite myself to release any and all feelings of guilt, and shame society has inflicted on me as a woman. Love you always, where ever you are.. Your sweet angel <3
0 Comments
It's amazing how the ripples of one person can pulsate through a community, and the hearts of those who just briefly touched the depth of his being. A local community member passed away this week and it's stirred up so much inside. Although I had just started attending circles that this man was present at and just two weeks ago he came into my workplace and asked what my name was...I knew of him and our brief interactions played a larger role in my life then he may have known when he was alive. (although I am sure his free soul now understands the strength of his presence). The first time I met Daniel was in community council..we sat in circle and shared from our hearts. I freely expressed my hearts desire to inspire, and empower women who have experienced sexual abuse and with this wanted to open up a healing centre that offered group workshops, healthy foods, meditation and other spiritual/natural forms of releasing and healing the effects caused by sexual abuse. Later that evening our closing circle exercise was to go around the circle and one-by-one hug each participant. When Daniel and I shared a hug he looked at me and said one of his previous partners had been sexually abused. He was aware of this epidemic and honoured my strength, and vision. Now this hit home...hearing a man around my age speak from his heart around this topic touched me. It excited me. I would now only except men into my circle who were activists around educating and holding men accountable and empowering..holding sacred space for women to express the pain of their pasts. Being heard deeply in circle by Daniel and later actually being told by him personally about what he heard my heart sing...that was healing. My standards were raised that night. My excitement and passion twirled as I witnessed right in front of me a sensitive, gentle soul. A masculine, tall, handsome later-twenty something year old man...that hadn't lost his ability to feel, witness, speak his truth. Daniel reminded me of my high-school boyfriend...this man would have stayed by my side through all of it..he introduced to me what it meant to be loved. And not just the...oh wow, we are having fun laughing..oh wait things just got real and now I have to run because I dipped my toe in the water and don't want to go any deeper...co-dependent kind of love. Chris cared..his 17/18 year old sensitive, gentle, loving soul GOT IT. The pain he witnessed from me as my 16/17 year old self tried be real about my past, yet still live as a teenager was raw and this man held space for it all. It's been 10 years and to this day I have never been loved that hard. ..my shadow self, innocent little girl and empowered woman are excited to meet the man that will love me in this way for my whole life. And I thank-you Daniel for reminding me that there are men like you and Chris out there. And that it's time for us women to hold space for men to express and release their pain. The concept of the masculine needs to shift..we are coming into an age and frequency where the feminine is over-riding..and with this it's our feminine, Goddess responsibility to hold space for our Warriors..space so they can weep the deaths of their fellow warriors, weep for the rage, rape and destruction humans have penetrated onto our Mother Earth. So they can tremble and fall with loss of direction and other yucky human emotions. When did we create this notion that men have to stand tall and suck it in? I want my man vulnerable, sensitive, balanced between his masculine and feminine. Free to communicate his inner hearts desires without feeling shame, guilt, judgement or fear. To cry in my lap when he is sad. I want all men to sit in circle and share with each other their pains..what is weighing them down. How healing would this be? Women we need to stand tall, not settle, expect more for ourselves, protect our temple and sacred womb. This will create the ripple... Just imagine..a circle of men...one-by-one sharing..holding eye contact with each other and hearing..not listening..hearing what each soul is singing. Hugging and being told they are heard, safe, and loved. Or what about both men and women sharing in this circle..safely. Without hesitation, and with safe boundaries and grounded sexual energy. No codependency and masks. I want to live in a world where we take care of each other holding, embracing, sharing with one another we send prayers to the others holding the space for them to recover so they can discover their mother patiently waiting, sisters and brothers it's time to wake from the slumber rise from the dream and learn how to love her now when the days come to turn this ship around I truly do want to live in that kind of world. Please no more wake up calls. It is time. Time to speak our truths, time to share, time to hold sacred space, time to devour our self worth. IT IS TIME!! Women and men...We are being called to step up to the plate. To dive into healing our wounds openly without the fear of judgement or shame. It's time to COLLECTIVELY create intimate, vulnerable, healing space. We are all human, we all feel. IT IS TIME! HAHAHA!! I am laughing so hard right now at this...not only how cute it is but how my inner girl totally wants to star in it and express how fucked up she thinks our society is (she also wants to wear the crown and dress)....BUT With all the exploration I have done over the years I don't feel drawn to use the word feminism either. I feel this targets and places shame/blame on the male gender with a bunch of angry women that may not fully be able to express themselves in a healthy way (projection maybe?). We are all in this together..lets heal ourselves (whether we have a penis or vagina is irrelevant) and cultivate and balance the masculine, feminine within. Truly obtain self love within the only person we can control...OURSELF. It's not societies job or a man's to stand up to equal pay, rape, sexual assault.....it's each individuals soul purpose to 'be the change they wish to see in the world". The only thing we have control over is ourself and waiting for society and men to get on the band wagon will take years...so I feel making a difference is standing on the mountain shouting out your beliefs, being that lone wolf and creating your own path, quitting your job for not being paid equally, sharing your story about being abused and raped, caging up those Smart Meters, not eating fast food and supporting Monsanto and being the Goddess or Warrior so that we can show the way with our light to those who are 'lost' (if there is even such a thing). If more people (male or female) just simply stand their ground (no matter how inconvenient or uncomfortable it is) then society won't be able to function in the way WE are allowing it to. However cute ass video with some really great pointers on where we can all start!! http://vimeo.com/109573972 A Gentle Reminder Your life is not better or worse than someone else’s. Every person’s life has highs and lows, good and bad, laughter and tears. You don’t have to push away the experiences that come to you. There is nothing there unworthy of you. Indeed, if you look without bias, you will see that there is no lesson that comes without a gentle reminder that you are loved and valued exactly as you are. From Everyday Wisdom by Paul Ferrini www.paulferrini.com I love this..
Someone pointed out to me the last month or so that what I experienced in my life is very minor to what others are currently experiencing or have witnessed. Almost as if I should be over it, have processed it, or be appreciative that I ONLY went through what I did. I agree there is a lot of pain and suffering taking place in this world, however to diminish one person's human experience and compare it to another is not what I feel this journey is about. Each of us has picked and was born into the life we are currently in for the specific lessons our soul needs/needed to become even more enlightened. Being sexually abused as a child IS something that needs to be fully processed and embodied. I am appreciative for this life and the love that surrounds me, however my BIRTH right is to fully experience MY emotions the way they present themselves to ME..NOW in this moment. We are all on the same journey and I don't wish to label ones more difficult or easier than another based on their "story". Dear Child...whether you were abused, witnessed a death, your parents divorced at a young age, you are poor in a third world country, rich but feeling empty, or simply failed a test...it is ALL the same. One's pain and journey cannot be compared. Feel and embody your emotions and journey. Do not feel guilt or shame as you look outside and compare..thinking "I shouldn't feel this way..there is a lot worst out there". If this feels like YOUR worst then it IS :) AND guess what my dear one...it is your right to feel the way you do. You have all the love and support you need to process these emotions. Look inside at YOUR experience and not outside to diminish and suppress the authenticity of emotions that are arising. At the end of the day we are all one...I feel your pain of being abused, witnessing a death, being confused about your parents divorcing, starving in what seems injustice, empty with abundance, or feeling not enough while glancing at that red circled number at the top of your term paper...What's 'worse/low' for one soul may be the 'better/high' for another but that is okay...we are free to experience OUR life the way we are MEANT to. And in all that remember....we are one <3 Holy shit balls mother#$$%er ;P This one is going to be a real doozy. I woke up this morning feeling that it is now time to write this and release it into the unlimited Universe. Again I trust that those who are meant to read this will be guided and only welcome honoring of self, love, compassion and oneness. As I mentioned in my last post 'home sweet home' when I was healing from the sexual abuse trauma that I experienced as a child, I developed OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). After committing the majority of my university years to workshops and healing, I came to understand that this 'disorder' was actually my soul/mind/body's way of masking and trying to fix or offer something that I wasn't able to during the time of the abuse...CONTROL. I fought for this for a while as I grieved and released guilt and anger towards myself as to why I did NOT STOP the abuse from happening to me. And maybe it's only just now as I type this that I can fully embody the truth that I was not ABLE or EXPECTED to stop it from occurring. How could a young child around the age of 7 take on and stop grown men from attacking her? It's not physically possible. PHEW!! Weight off of my shoulders. Obsessively washing was my way of trying to scrub of the shame I had for myself, thinking that I wanted the abuse to happen BECAUSE I DID NOT STOP IT or TAKE CONTROL. It was a way to prove to myself that I did not want it to happen or enjoy it. Our sexual being and essence is hardwired into our bodies and it's only natural for someone to think they enjoy rape when it's the first experience of their body being stimulated? Right? OCD was my way of cleaning myself to a point where I was ultimately proving that I didn't want it to occur, that I didn't enjoy it. "Here Nicole I will wash and wash and check and wear specific types of clothes that hide your body and store more in the car to change into and re-wash and control any thought, impulse, or emotion that you have towards your sexuality, feminine essence and the physical arousal of the abuse just to prove to you that I didn't egg on those men." When I was in university the OCD (I refer to it as 'the' and not 'mine' because I refuse to take on, welcome it into my life or be labeled by it) took over. It had already interfered with the quality of my life, and between attempting to have a relationship (my way of feeling like I was actively healing and facing the abuse), going to school and hiding this 'disorder' I was at my limits and was put on medication to hone the anxiety and limit the OCD symptoms. A solution that many probably questioned why it wasn't implemented sooner.... With the way I was raised (being allergic to many things and having a beautiful mother that introduced us to holistic healing) and my beliefs about western medicine (that I embraced at such a young age) this was not something I particularly wanted and knew it was the last straw. As I mentioned before I never really did things like the majority my age and made healing my number one priority. But with that also tried to do this in the most natural way possible. I was very insightful and knowledgeable even at a young age and felt taking western medication for this would only mask my symptoms and cure things on a surface level BUT WHAT ABOUT THE ROOT OF THE PROBEM? Why put on a temporary bandage (or maybe not so temporary) and hide the symptoms/anxiety (or attempt to) when I could speak to my inner child- the wound and deal with the real issue at stake. The OCD wasn't the issue, it was the solution or survival technique I had implemented until I fully dealt with the real underlying issue. After taking the medication for only a few months and being slowly smothered even further from my true essence or better yet decaying into a zombie, I used the drugs to attempt to end my life. 1 bottle of citalopram + 1 bottle of alazopram + 1 (100 tablet) bottle of Ibuprofen = One of Nicole's wake up calls After taking all three of these in one sitting I was rushed to the hospital. I do not remember getting there and was unconscious for a few days. I would like to thank all those that were involved in that night and a part of me would like to apologize for any pain I may have caused...although a deeper part of me understands it all happens for a reason. I trust that you were meant to be there and witness that and know it has (or will) guide you in the way it was meant to in your lives. After writing that I feel slightly selfish but truly am starting to understand and believe (embody) Divine Timing, The Universe has a way of unfolding and presenting to us what we need to experience (in this case witness and see) in order for our souls to learn and grow. I refuse to carry the shame and guilt of that night as I know I was doing the best I could at the time with what I knew and was feeling and also have to have faith that it all happened the way it was meant to. Thank you for being there and being you. After waking up (this memory is still a blur to me) I was later informed by the doctor that the combination (concoction) I had created actually saved my life. By taking uppers and downers they were able to stabilize me and balance out...in other words...it was not my time to go. * Same of these pictures are of me during this time in my life, others I found off of the Internet,
and all are placed in a way to convey this experience in my life. It's been two years and eight months since I have 'traveled' to British Columbia. What was intended to be a one year fun vacation away from school (and other events in my life that you will read about in a bit) became a soul stripping, somewhat painful and speedy fast evolving journey connecting me to...don don don...me.
I have been itching for a year or so to start sharing my journey with others and mainly to 'journal' and connect further with myself in a way that feels more thrilling than writing in a binded pad of paper all the emotions I have pent up, insights I have gained, intuitive connections I have made and much more... So here is one of hopefully a few more entries. My hopes are to share who I am, what I have been through in my 26 years here on Earth and get to understand myself in a deeper way. I trust that those who are guided and compelled to read are meant to and would love to connect via comments and sharing 'stories'. It's been a few months now of feeling ungrounded after I moved out of the tiny cottage I spent the beginning of this year renovating. This was purely my choice however catching my overly flirtatious mid-fifty, creepy neighbour photographing me, then experiencing a leaky roof assisted in the matter. I am so grateful for my dear friend that has provided a roof over my head for the last few months as I attempted to find my next dwelling (which has now turned into the beautiful loft in her backyard). After living with my things in storage, starting up a small business in my local town, and looking for my next home.. (along with the lessons from my lower mainland and Salt Spring Island journeys) I have truly embodied the fact that these things mean little to me at this moment. The truth behind what I want in my life evolves around surrounding myself with a community I adore, friends I admire, and my family that I love. I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life as business opportunities present themselves and I am feeling the roots to my tree sink deeper into the ground below me. THIS FREAKS THE SHIT OUT OF ME! I have always been a 'free spirit' going off leading a path of my own... I feel like I have slightly lost this part of me as I am now recognizing that some of that fleeing may have been actually running...running away from?? Possibly me?? I have committed to staying single (not settling) , focusing on my future career (what will financially support me and my future family) and connecting with like-minded...I am finding myself feeling very empty and not at ease as I am touching places inside of me that have never been touched. For those who don't know...I have spent all of my elementary, high-school and university years FULLY committed to healing from a childhood sexual abuse trauma I experienced. For some reason I just couldn't be the girl that repressed her past (although I did try) and found myself wanting to constantly dive into the healing that my soul needed in order to free myself from this trauma (whether I liked it or wanted to...I had to). Many nights and mornings were spent crying and I became the best actress I knew as I could be dealing with this one minute, wipe the tears and catch the bus the next. With a smile on my face and a caring heart little did many of my classmates (particularly in elementary school and high-school) know the pain I was suffering inside. Due to the lack of control I had over the rape, I subconsciously believed that cleaning, washing, and doing other mundane behaviours/tasks were a way for me to gain control over my life- I developed the worst case of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I played it off well but truth be-told years later....my dry, cracked bloody hands in high-school were not due to the cold weather like I said they were. I would wash my hands over and over again until 8 hours of my day became obsessive behaviours. My idea of 'fun' was going to therapy and workshops. After years of healing I can proudly say that I no longer have OCD and the abuse is not in the forefront of my mind. I have chose to 'forgift' my abuser and thank him for leading my soul into it's life purpose- empowering and coaching other women and men. I think the disconnect and feelings that are surfacing at this moment are due to the very fact that I have done so much healing work and it's coming to an end. It's now time for me to focus on things I never felt I could really focus on- my future, career, a healthy relationship and healthy, fun, fulfilling friendships. It is now time for me to stand in my power and follow my intuition as it leads me (the thought of being empowered, and having fun- no drama feels foreign to me but I welcome it with open arms). Thank you for all those who have played a role in my movie. I look forward to this next phase of healing as I have stripped away the 'idea' of how my life 'should' have been and am now surrendering to what God and Divine Timing are presenting it to be. I invite you to join me as I challenge myself to stay in each moment. Not worrying about where to live, if my business is what I truly want, and all the other chatter that fills my mind. Let's walk side-by-side and remind each other daily that the small things in life are what matter (as I look out the window and see the trees, mountain tops and water) and the rest of it will effortlessly fall into place. :) I pledge to all of you that I will bring my attention back to this very moment when I find myself stressing, and will commit to a gratitude journal entry every night for the rest of August. As well I will focus on my solar plexus chakra and sit with the discomfort and emptiness that I feel when I think of standing in my power, being my own best friend and providing myself with all that I need. trust love be free In love and light, Nicole Kristen McKay p.s- My brother's sweater that I am wearing was the simple inspiration that I needed to write this. Thank you Evan..I wear this when I am feeling home sick. It always amazes me when I am in a crystal store and am drawn to specific crystals not knowing why until I read their healing properties. It seems like my body just gravitates to the EXACT crystal my mind/body/soul needs at that time. As I am house sitting for my family here in Delta, British Columbia, I decided to check out Astral Connections Cafe- one of the first spiritual stores I entered when I arrived here to British Columbia in December 2011. As I was poking around and reuniting with the store owner I found myself gravitated to the King Cobra Jasper. Shahioz was reading out the healing properties and I couldn't help but light up as she listed off the many reasons why the universe would unite me with this crystal tonight. The purpose of this post is to entice everyone to play the crystal game that I so much enjoy. Next time you enter a store with crystals or stones take note at which ones jump out to you (whether you purchase them or not doesn't matter). Find a crystal book or use your phone to google the healing properties and see what resonates for you. It may be very clear as to why this crystal connected with you, or reading the meaning may shine new insight and bring forth something you were not yet consciously aware of but rang as truthful. Connecting with crystals and stones this way really reminds me of the Divine Spirit and how we are all interconnected. Trust, love, be... Nicole Kristen McKay King Cobra Jasper Healing Properties: King Cobra Jasper is known as the counselor's and therapist's stone. It is a very calming and nurturing stone that can help alleviate anger and bring contentment and order out of chaos. It is a good tool for organization. King Cobra Jasper is particularly helpful in dealing with mental disorders because of these traits. It is also a very protective stone, particularly in cases of hospitalization. Pink Aragonite Healing Properties: Aragonite is a stabilising stone that centres and grounds physical energies, being useful in time of stress. It helps to prepare for meditation and stabilises spiritual development. It provides insight into the causes of problems and situations. Aragonite aids concentration and brings tolerance and flexibility to the mind. It teaches acceptance and patience, especially helpful to those who feel they have too much responsibility. Aragonite provides strength and support, helping to combat anger and emotional stress. Aragonite is attuned to the Earth Goddess, encouraging conservation and recycling. It is a reliable earth-healer and grounding stone. Aragonite transforms geopathic stress. Aragonite brings warmth to the extremities. It combats deficiencies in Vitamins A and D. Aragonite combats dis-ease and can stop night twitches and muscle spasms. It also helps with general aches and pains. Crystal Healing Properties were obtained from these websites:
http://meanings.crystalsandjewelry.com/king-cobra-jasper/ http://www.charmsoflight.com/aragonite-healing-properties.html Hello Beautiful Souls, I am sure we have all heard the saying "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade". But lets be realistic, when life gives us lemons we have to find the sugar and water to make the lemonade- so for a short period of time we are left with sour lemons. Whether the "sour lemons" be the loss of a job, move, separation in a marriage or breakup, death of a friend/family member ... we can't be hard on ourselves during these times of transition. Instead of placing blame, guilt or other negative emotions on our actions or others, we should truly spend this time with our beautiful lemons, learning from the experience gifted to us. I would love to hear from you. As the carpet of life gets taken from underneath you, what do YOU do to keep yourself balanced, full of energy, joyful and overall in tune? How do you turn your lemons, into delicious lemonade? In love and light, Nicole Kristen McKay |